Thursday 20 September 2012

Okay this is vent time here. At this time there are only two known readers (plus spouses, etc) of this blog and this is NOT targeted at those two, however, this blog is publicly accessible so anyone can read it if they can just find it, including the targets of my venting.....


I am referring to the mythology surrounding suicide attempts and self harm perpetuated by popular media, shrinks and the medical profession, churches and other religious groups, even government institutions. I won't list all of them, only those I have personally been a target of. You cannot judge me unless you have been in my shoes walking my path, and since no one on this planet has done this, then no one on this planet nor even on other planets are qualified to judge me. I don't care how many qualifications you have behind your name nor what religion you belong to. Whatever is learned in the classroom or lecture theater there is no substitute for life experience, and since none of you "professionals" have experienced my life, none of you are qualified to judge me. And as for practitioners of religions, you often refer to the certain religious texts. All such texts are open to interpretations, and the interpretations offered by popular religions are very often outside of the original intent and purposes of the texts in question and are therefore incorrect and inappropriately applied.

Anyway.... the myths and facts....

MYTH Self harm and suicide attempts are the same.
FACT Both are different critters. Self harm is NOT suicide attempt. I was not attempting suicide when I was banging my head against the wall in my childhood, nor was I attempting suicide when I was banging myself during my teen years. One reason for self harming is numbness or lack of feelings. Whether we are alive is defined by whether we can feel anything, lack of feeling equates to death. So we self harm until we can start to feel again and therefore to know that we are alive. So we self harm to LIVE and NOT TO DIE!!!!! The remainder of the myths relates to both self harm and suicide attempts partly because of the first myth above. I will address them as "suicide attempts" but unless I say otherwise it can also be applied to self harm.

MYTH Suicide attempt is an attention seeking exercise.
FACT We are NOT attention seekers. Most people who attempts suicide or self harm tries to hide their injuries or pass them off as accidents, indeed we lie to cover for our injuries. This is hardly the action of one who is "attention seeking". Self harm is often confused with the EMO sub-culture. To be sure self harm is a mark of being an EMO therefore members of this subculture often share their self harm exploits with their peers, publish them on social networking sites and other online forums, and otherwise drawing attention to them. This is purely an EMO thingy. The vast majority of self harmers and those who attempts suicide are NOT EMOs and they go out of their way to hide their injuries, such as wearing long sleeves in summer, passing off their injuries as accidents and otherwise lying about them, and many does not even tell their close family members. This is hardly the action of one who is "seeking attention"!!!

MYTH Suicide attempt is a "cry for help"
FACT If we ever wanted to "cry for help" we can think of 1000 other ways of doing so aside from attempting suicide! Similarly self harm is NOT a "cry for help" but a stress coping mechanism that is often attempted to be kept secret (see above myth). However we attempt suicide because we intend to commit suicide, and when dead we are hardly in a position to accept any "help" that we may be allegedly "crying for"!!

MYTH Those who talks about suicide never commits suicide
FACT Various statistics shows that a high percentage of people talking about suicide eventually carries out the act. It is like anything in life. For example, those talking about taking an overseas vacation eventually book a vacation overseas. Or, those who talks about attending a football match eventually gets around to purchasing the tickets and attending such a match. Suicide talk is no different, those who talks about it eventually carries out the act.

MYTH Suicide attempted or otherwise is a form of revenge
FACT If I wanted revenge against someone I certainly would not give up my life for it. Indeed the target of my revenge would be thought as one who would celebrate my passing away. Therefore if I wanted revenge against someone, I am more likely to do so BY STAYING ALIVE!!!!!

MYTH Suicidal people are selfish
FACT Everyone is inherently selfish. We all on some level have ulterior motives. Even Mother Theresa, her motive being a better life in Heaven. Indeed every Christian has this ulterior motive, they join the religion so to avoid the prospect of an eternity of torment in hell, and they give their lives to the faith often at great cost to themselves simply in the expectation of "greater rewards" in "Heaven". Not everyone is religious but everyone is inherently selfish. We have all quit something because we can no longer cope with it. People quit their jobs because they can no longer cope with it, and such people are often praised as "ambitious" and "seeking to better themselves". People quit their clubs, church, teams, etc because they can no longer cope with the current condition. These people are often praised as being willing to "leave the past behind" and "trying new things" or "accepting new challenges". Many people quit marriages and relationships because they can no longer cope, and even such people are often praised as "standing up for themselves", "refusing to be a doormat" and other similar kind of praises. Well it can be said that suicide is the ultimate form of quitting, we attempt suicide because we can no longer cope with life in general and we perhaps believe or hope for a better life "on the other side" or at least a cessation of life in total therefore no longer feeling pain. We are no more "selfish" than anyone else.

MYTH Suicide attempt a method of persuasion
FACT We attempt suicide because we wish to END our lives and therefore anything we allegedly trying to "persuade" will be no longer relevant!! If I wanted to try persuade someone to do something for me I certainly would not choose attempted suicide or even self harm as such a method! I have other ways to persuade someone to do something for me, these are more effective than suicide attempts or self harm!!

MYTH Suicidal people are "weak" or have "less character" or otherwise judged as being of a "lesser person" than everyone else.
FACT We are all wired differently and are a product of both our genetics and our environments past and present. Everyone can play Tennis but nor everyone can reach Wimbledon. Or, everyone can compete in Athletics but not everyone can compete in the Olympic Games. This does not make unsuccessful athletes any "less worthy". Those not good at Athletics may perhaps excel at ballet, or music, or art. In life we all at least originally had hopes and dreams. No one starts out in life with the intention of committing suicide. But due to the chaos of the universe (or however you like to put it) some of us are given the short end of the stick in life!! For example nearly everyone who has experienced rape or other forms of abuse are suicidal, they cannot cope with living with such violations of their personal space. I have been a victim of abuse, this is one reason for my suicidal tendencies, I simply cannot cope with living with the consequences of such abuse at the hand of one who pretended to be my "father" (not my REAL father). However I am good at many other things. I am gifted in Science especially Physics and fields related to Astronomy, Cosmology, etc. I am also, according to some, good at writing stories!!! I am also good at computers and I can build my own computer, indeed my current computer was built by myself and is working very well thankyou very much!!!!! Therefore I am no less "worthy" nor have "less character" than any other average person.


Well that is about all for now..... I will add to it if anything else comes up. But I will NEVER allow anyone to pass judgment on me regardless of their motivations. No one on this planet is qualified to judge me, so..... DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well birthdays are most decidedly overrated. Yesterday being my birthday was one of the worst days of this year so far on par with Xmas as days of dread. I did attempt suicide yesterday but managed to stop myself before doing too much damage to myself. Indeed the damage is superficial and does not need medical attention, not that I would seek medical attention anyway cos the hospital staff treats you badly for self inflicted injury giving off the impression that you are wasting tax payers money and taking the place of someone who had genuine accidents. Ironically it was a txt from my sister Debra that stopped me in my tracks, it was most unexpected!! But there will be no family gatherings, no BBQs nor any other kind of celebrations. Gone are the days of chocolate mud cakes especially picked out by mother who would have my name decorated on top, and roasted chicken baked especially for me that only mother could bake - no one does a roast chicken like mother. Indeed I don't even receive gifts anymore from mother's side of the family, not even a card. In days gone by I would not sleep the night before my birthday but wait until mother sneaks into my room to place my presents on my desk, and then as soon as she had gone to bed, I would very quietly get up, close my door, then open the presents. In later years when I moved out, she would always have me give her a wish list a month beforehand, and by the weekend closest to my birthday we would go over her place for her roasted chicken and always a gift from items off my wish list. She'd take the time to find the game or the CD that I put on the wish list. But now with mother gone there is a gaping empty hole that none can fill, it will remain empty until the day I die. But at least I have my Dad and the chance to turn things around, I don't know what I'd do without him, and with my birthday behind me I can get on with things for another few weeks until the torment of Xmas begins to raise its ugly head......

This is my last day at work before I begin my 3 weeks leave, though it is no holiday for me due to the virtually 24/7 care Sally needs. But hopefully she will start on her Essential Oils treatments, she wanted to wait until I am off work in case of allergic reactions and side effects. Given that she is allergic or has bad reactions to nearly everything she touches it is understandable she is so wary about taking on new treatments. But the oils are our last roll of the dice. None of the other treatments works. Antibiotics are utterly useless. These oils are our last chance, our last hope.

And tonight the Maggies plays Sydney in the Semi Final, the winner goes through to the Grand Final. Given that they beat the Weavils last week I won't be so upset if they get beaten by Sydney tonight. Nevertheless it be great if the Maggies could pull off a win and make it into the Grand Final - then next Saturday would be the day of frayed nerves and fingernail biting, emotions ranging from utter elation to bitter disappointments, utter frustrations, cursing at umpires, giving up utter hope and desperately holding onto seemingly vain hopes. Grand Finals with the Maggies in it are not good for my nerves!!!!!!!

Anyway here's another vid..... if only this can be so..... one can always dream.... *sigh*


Saturday 15 September 2012

It's been a tough week..... but the Maggies beat the Weavils so I am now happy, at least momentarily. It was very touch and go for a bit and not good for my nerves, I watched Dr Who instead of the footy!!! But when the Maggies won it really made my night! Now I wouldn't care if they get beaten by Sydney next week, all it matters is they beat the Weavils and are therefore above the Weavils!!!! Of course it be great if they beat Sydney and make it to the Grand Final but it won't be a catastrophe if they don't.

The oils have finally come. The dimwit courier couldn't follow simple instructions so he placed an "unsuccessful delivery" card at the door in spite of the fact that the door was clearly open and all he had to so was to step inside where Sally was in her chair. Due to her arthritis etc she can't get up quickly and so can't get to the door quickly, but with Silver Chains having just left, the door was still open. I was at work. In spite of this and Sally calling on him to come in and give the package to her, he just didn't do so!! Couriers are such dimwits. At work we get couriers waiting at the door for several minutes and calling out "is anyone there" in spite of the fact there is a big clear sign at the door with a buzzer and the simple instruction in big bold letters "press for service"!!!! They'd stand there forever until someone happens to come by, such as myself who is not allowed to sign for packages due to union rules - it is to protect me against being in deep doo-doo if for some reason the package goes missing or it doesn't reach the intended recipient!!! Why they can't read.... i guess it is why they are couriers and not anything else!!

Anyway it meant i had to spend Saturday morning driving over to the delivery center at the airport to pick up the parcel, about a 90 minutes round trip. But Sally so wanted to get hold of the oils, and well she intends getting started on them today. I think there is a two week course of oral where she drinks a few drops in water, this is meant to detox her system. Then to apply the other oils to her sores. I think its a 6-weeks course in all. If I am still changing bandages at the end of six weeks I will kill myself!!!! This is our last roll of the dice. If these oils does not work then I am destined to be changing bandages and being in poverty due to bandages and other expenses for the rest of our days - and I won't be tolerating this for much longer, I would rather die. So let's hope these oils will do the job where all else including antibiotics have failed!!!!!

Sunday 9 September 2012


The disaster area that is the football.... what I fear most has come to pass. Not only we the Magpies lost but we also have to play the Weavils (West Coast Eagles) next week!! Losing to the Weavils would be a fate worse than death!! I realise we won't make it to the Grand Final but I plead with all higher powers in the universe to let us at least beat the Weavils!! After that I won't care what happens, it we get beaten the following week in the Prelim or whatever else happens! Just let us beat the Weavils !!!!!!!

Anyway I try my hand at inserting vids into the blogs. I hope this works, well it worked in the preview.... this song is rather appropriate considering the past few weeks....... Seasons in the Sun.





Saturday 8 September 2012

Well it looks like it's not going to be our year this year, speaking of the Magpies, won't say anything else.... I know they have another chance next week due to being in the top 4, nevertheless, I am not holding high hopes for them.

Anyway Sally had ordered those oils today, it will be a week before they arrive, which would put it at or near Rosh HaShanah the Jewish New Year next Monday the 17th. Usually something significant happens around them, but until I see results from the oils treatments I will not be holding any high hopes. This is just another of a long line of different remedies that we tried, none which worked up to now. The oils are just the most expensive of the remedies, about $200 all up. But considering we spending $400+ on bandages and protection sheets each fortnite, it is worth the expense of trying.

And it turned out we will not be evicted. The landlord came by today with a 12 months lease in hand which we promptly signed!! Only that the rent will go up but by not a lot, $50/fortnite from November which is reasonable. We are actually paying well below the market rate in rent here, most in this area are paying $100 or more extra than we are, one of the advantages of going with a private landlord rather than a real estate company. Also we not subjected to those invasive inspections every 3 months, in the two years we been here so far we have had not one formal property inspection. But he seemed at least reasonably happy with our tenancy hence the 1-year lease beginning November.

So Magpies notwithstanding a couple of things did come our way for a change!!!!!

Monday 3 September 2012

This has been a very difficult past few days emotionally so I have been lying low. Yesterday was the closest I came to suicide, I had it all planned out and everything - go to work, finish off my jobs, then at lunchtime drive to a park and carry out the act..... but then my boss came in and handed me more work so couldn't get out at lunch, and then Sally called...... and well I am still here, fortunately or unfortunately depending on which way you look at it.

Aside from the cursed 3-weeks of July, September is always a very difficult month for me, first with Father's Day being the 1st Sunday of Sept in Australia, then my birthday. I often suffer the worst depression on my birthday. Last year I didn't celebrate my birthday at all, this was the September from hell when Sally required 24/7 care and I survived on 2 hours of sleep each night for the whole month until just before the Jewish New Year near end of September she suffered a fall and was taken to hospital where she would spend the next 6-7 weeks. But during that time I vowed never to celebrate my birthday. It was 1994 all over again when I experienced the Xmas from hell and so vowed never to celebrate Xmas again. Now in 2011 I vowed never to celebrate my birthday.

As we know the JWs (Jehovah's Witnesses) don't celebrate birthdays, the reason they cite is that there are only two stories in the Bible that refers to birthdays and both involved heathens and someone's head being chopped off. The first story involved an Egyptian pharaoh and on his birthday the baker's or butler's head got chopped off, can't remember exactly which but suffice to say one of them had his head chopped off. The 2nd story involved King Herod at the time of Jesus, and on his birthday he ordered John the Baptist's head to be chopped off. So it is for this reason why JWs does not celebrate birthdays. It seems a good reason to not celebrate birthdays but this is not my reason. Firstly I refer only to MY birthday and not anyone else's, I still remember the birthdays of family and loved ones. And in any case I will never submit to a church or religious group. But it sure feels like my head being chopped off, it was spiritually chopped off when mother died, so I want never again to celebrate my birthday !!!! The last time I had gotten anything for my birthday was in 2009 when mother gotten me a computer game. In 2010 mother was too ill to remember my birthday, she died 2011, and since then I had gotten nothing for my birthday. I won't knock back any birthday wishes, nevertheless, personally it is not a day of celebration for me, it is a day of sadness and depression.

Now back to Father's Day, I didn't expect to do anything special but to keep myself busy as it was a day of depression. So I spent the morning in the garden, and around lunchtime Justin had sent a txt to Sally's phone inviting us to afternoon dinner at mother's house - well Pasco's house now. It was a shock cos I had not heard boo from mother's side of the family since Xmas last year. Well of course Sally couldn't go cos of her sores, she is housebound and cannot go out anywhere. But she wanted me to go there, so I did so. There were Pasco's sister, Debra and a few of her kids, and some other souls. They still had mother's ashes there.

Soon after that my emotions took a nose dive, and well yesterday I almost killed myself....... the weather seemed to match my moods, we are having a real blast of winter since yesterday with thunderstorms and high winds. More thunderstorms today, and the forecast is for more storms to Thursday. So after a relatively dry and warm August we are now having "winter"!!

The disaster area that is the football tipping, well for this last round I did pick all 9 winners for the first time, but then so did half the office comp members and of course most had better points variances than me thanks to the curse of "The Three Weeks" when my points variance suffered catastrophes from which I would never recover. The prizes has been finalised, and for the first time ever it can be confirmed that I won no prizes whatsoever. Seems fitting for this horror year of 2012 the worst year of my life thus far.

Jewish New Year falls on Sept 17 this year so perhaps something will change then. Sally called our doc yesterday and he had suggested some alternative treatments for Sally's sores, some mixtures of "essential oils" which the doc will prescribe then have them ordered and mixed especially for her. It sounds promising but I am not willing to get my hopes up until I see physical results. Too many times before I had my hopes up only to be dashed against rocks. If you walk along the valley floor you will not get hurt, but if you climb up the side of the valley then slip and fall you will get hurt even killed - so I never allow myself to cultivate raised hopes. Hope deferred makes the soul sick. Nothing else works, antibiotics doesn't work, and Sally can't have certain other medicines due to allergies, etc. And the oils are rather pricey and not on Medicare but then we spending over $400/fortnite on bandages etc. So we shall see what happens when we get the oils, I guess in the next couple of weeks, probably in time for Rosh HaShanah the Jewish New Year.